Don't underestimate the power of flannel pjs

I'm lying here in bed a little aggravated to find that yes, I do have a rising fever. It's at 100.5 right now, but my normal temperature is around 97 degrees, so I guess I can consider it to be pushing 102. Sheesh, I hope it doesn't get any higher, because I hate the hallucinations that come with that.

I'm also a wee bit annoyed that my dad and brother were here for a couple of hours today (aha! now I know they're waiting until almost time for me to get home from work to start working - no wonder it's taking so long for them to finish the repair they're doing for me) and neither one, noticing how sick I am, asked if there was anything they could do to help me... Not if they could bring me some aspirin from the other bathroom, not a glass of water, nada.

I think they were too busy doing their male bonding, which consists of stuff like I heard through my delirious on-off sleeping today - they argued a lot and very loudly about putting the screws into the sheetrock on the new ceiling beam. Dad was saying that if they did it "that way" that the sheetrock would crack around the screws. My brother was saying that it wouldn't matter anyway because they were going to be putting an eighth-inch of drywall mud over it at the end. I remember thinking that they were both kinda right and then everything went black.

The problem is, I can't be sure exactly what's wrong with me without going to the doctor. Last Friday I got the sore throat and coughing, and by Sunday, I was really starting to feel run down. By Monday, I'm coughing horribly and getting tired and weak. Today, Tuesday, I got up feeling so bad that I decided to ask for a sub the minute I got to work. After one of my coughing spells, the girls in my class started asking (sounding REALLY concerned - I must have gone pale) if I was all right and if there was anything they could do for me. I do know that last night while I was doing the cough-spit-blow nose-snort and spit until my nose and throat were clear- routine I saw some chunks of stuff that looked like bloody flesh. I know, it's really gross to be present when I'm having to do that, but otherwise it all just settles into my lungs and THAT is hard to get out. It's gone from white to clear to yellow to green, so I imagine a visit to my doctor is imminent. Antibiotics, I'm sure, but they do a number on my girly parts so I have to ask for a dose of diflucan this time or I'll be doubly miserable.

I have no idea if I left enough work for the kids, but by the time I finished training the sub (who is so new she didn't even know where the school was and it took her nearly an hour and a half to get there) I was so dead I deferred all questions for the teacher next door to answer and just got the heck outta there. It didn't help me one bit to have to do a crash course in how to be a sub when she got there. I thought they trained all subs before they let them go into a classroom. Apparently they don't and they wait for the sick teacher to do it when they should be on the way home. Oh well, I can't be lucky enough to get Mrs. Betty every time. She's a retired teacher, and a wonderful person, not to mention a wonderful sub. Makes everything a lot easier. One other time I was sicker than this and I had to leave, she came in and told me in her Louisiana accent, "Don't worry honey, I'll find something for them to do. You just go home and get to feeling better."

Okay, maybe the problem is that so many subs were needed today that they just ran dry and this was just how it worked out. I'm just glad they found somebody. I've been a sub... it was no fun. I told the kids to be good this time, or they'd be really sorry when I come back. I hope they realize I'm being dead serious.

Two neighboring counties are closed for the rest of the week due to weather AND flu. Ours is thankfully closed tomorrow because we have our first snow of the year, and it's still snowing. I came home and I was thinking that I'd have a glass of orange juice, but my head was spinning like it had been all morning (I realize now that I'd been in a fog of delirium since waking. and the next thing I knew, it was 20 minutes later and I was waking up fully dressed fallen sideways on my bed. I got up to get a garbage bag for all the used tissues on the floor, got sidetracked by the thought of the juice, opened the fridge door, and passed out on the bed again, with the fridge door still open. LOL I discovered this yet another 20 minutes later when I went back and actually got the juice. Off and on all day I slept, drank juice, and ate a couple of yogurts. Nothing else has much of a taste. I took a drink of my diet Sierra Mist this morning in class and said, ewww, tastes nasty... The kids thought I must have gotten a bad one until I told them everything tastes really bad right now.

I have no idea when my brother and father left after their argument today, because my head was pounding at 4 and I took my heavy migraine meds and went back to a solid state of sleeping. I was alone again when I woke up.

I do know that the construction work here in the house is causing me some serious problems, so last night I went to the store and bought a respirator / particle mask (a real one) and I've had it on a big part of the day today. I was even sleeping in it, and I noticed that my coughing stopped when I did. Maybe it was because I was no longer inhaling the stuff in the air, or maybe it was because I was inhaling air that was slightly moister from the mask. I did have to take it off when I woke up drooling... that was kinda gross.

I'm lying here in my flannel pjs (which automatically seem to add about a +5 feel-better bonus) trying to cool down a little with the ceiling fan on (I know, just stirring dust particles up, but I'm SO hot). I'm also wondering what in the world I have.

It could be a respiratory infection from the work being done in the house (and I'm sensitive to smoke and all that other stuff). Could be strep, which is running rampant through the schools right now. Could be 5th disease, which is also running around. Could be a cold, and it could be the flu, though with my flu shot in the fall, I think the chances of it being flu are lowered. Not eliminated, just lowered.

I've got these symptoms:

• fever
• coughing with lots of mucus which is turning green
• sneezing
• runny nose
• sore throat
• aching
• stuffy head
• horrible taste in my mouth
• bad headache
• earache
• dehydration
• bit of a rash on my chest (is it really a rash? It's weird for it to look this way since my skin is usually clear nowadays. 5th disease causes a rash and red slapped-face look in kids.. what about adults?)

Well, it could be any of those things I mentioned... It could be all. Whatever the case, I'm about to take some liquid Tylenol cold medicine (no alcohol, TYVM) and knock myself out yet again. Being unconscious will have to be better than this, huh? At least I feel like the Tylenol kept me from coughing all night, though i woke up groggy. Could be the sickness doing that though.

• I'm thankful I have that half bathroom here in my bedroom. I don't have to walk through the dusty zone if I don't want to.
• I'm thankful there's no school tomorrow. I can stay asleep without worrying about waking up.
• I'm thankful I went to the store last night for provisions, feeling as bad as I did. Because now I have grape juice, orange juice, milk, yogurt, cold medicine, more Carmex, a plug-in vapo-rub thing, and some apple cider that I can warm up in the microwave for a nice soothing drink.
• I'm thankful that I bought those two big boxes of Kleenex with lotion, because my nose is already raw.
• I'm thankful for my laptop, because I don't have to get out of bed for a little entertainment while I'm sick though I might need to go into the other room for a few DVDs.
• I'm thankful there's nobody else here for me to get sick (or have to take care of) although it would be nice to have someone to take care of me.

Time to medicate and get myself a bottle of water for the night...

Cats Stealing Your Breath?

After getting to a point where I could sleep, I wound up having nightmares for the last 2 1/2 hours I had left to get any rest. It was basically one episode that kept repeating with minor variations. It doesn't take a PhD in Psychology to know what caused the nightmares, either.

I dreamed that I was at work, and I started having trouble breathing. My chest tightened up and I was making these horrible wheezing, gasping sounds trying to get some air back into my lungs and nothing was working. I fell on the ground and I could barely move. I was trying to tell the other teachers that I needed help, and I couldn't breath, but they mainly ignored me. Apparently one of the students was annoyed that I kept begging for help, because the assistant principal came in and said he was going to jam this needle into my heart and give me a shot of adrenaline. Not being a medical professional, his coming at me with a huge needle absolutely terrified me and I wouldn't let him do it. All I could manage to say was "No! That would kill me!"

At some point the alarm clock started going off and in my semi-awake state, I started wondering about the dream. My first thought was that I must have had the dream because the cat was sitting on my chest while I was sleeping, and it made me struggle to breathe. Then after a second, it hit me.

I don't have a cat. I've never had a cat. Strange that I would wake up thinking that I did, huh?

Now I'm beginning to think that I must have had some kind of panic attack in my sleep, because I woke up incredibly physically tired and out of breath. Given my history of sleepwalking and talking in my sleep, while having vivid dreams of the situation being reality, it wouldn't surprise me to know that I really was having a hard time breathing. I don't smoke, and I'm not sick, so why else would I be having trouble breathing and dreaming that nobody would help me?

I really do feel that there is nobody at work who can or will really help me, and I don't mean that as a slight to my close co-workers. It's just that I know they have more important concerns in their lives than thinking very much about how I'm doing. I'm not even important to myself, so I definitely don't expect anyone else to think any more of me.

I absolutely HATE that even on my own laptop, I can’t do my own writing assignment while my students are doing the same. Why? Because even on my own laptop, the stupid state department of education won’t allow me access to where I post my writing. I don’t know why they block entire domains when they need to be looking at individual websites. There’s not an ugly word on my blogger, and I can’t write to it. However, there area plenty of websites with all sorts of pornographic content that students have easy access to on school computers!!! Where is the logic in that?
Well, I can’t remember what I was writing about before, so I can’t continue now…. Thus defeating the purpose of the whole writing assignment, and them seeing that their teacher is writing too.

Once again, we’ve had drama at lunch. I can’t ever have a full class period to work with them because I’m constantly having to spend time soothing their overdramatic little hearts. Much ado about nothing indeed.

The student who came back from Alternative School and got put into my worst class, causing tons more problems is now being moved back to her original schedule. Either the counselor has just now gotten time to deal with the issue (which I believe is very likely - she always has too much on her plate - from my perspective she is incredibly overworked) or someone else complained about her behavior and they are the one being heeded. It took 4 weeks, though she’s caused problems from day 1 back in my class. She must have insulted an administrator.
I’ve been told by a non-teacher that it sounds like I’m letting them get to me. And he’s right. This whole situation is driving me to distraction. I’m spending every waking moment thinking about my job, and there’s not a positive thought in the whole day. One kid asked me yesterday if we were allowed to wear jeans and shorts when we aren’t working. What do they think, that we’re the property of the school system and that they have the right to tell us what to do when we aren’t at work? I know that the parents and the students think that we’re supposed to be treated like their slaves, and do whatever ridiculous thing that they demand, but the day that happens is the day I’ll publicly tell them all off and quit my job forever.

I hate that there’s never anything good to tell him about my job, because it makes me sound like an absolute whiner all of the time. But I can’t lie and make up good things about it. Considering that I have absolutely nothing in my life except my job and playing Warcraft in my spare time, what could I possibly have to talk about that he’d find interesting anyway? I wish that I could go home and have somebody to talk to… the fact that there is nobody to talk to is a major reason I haven’t got good stuff to talk about. I wouldn’t go home and complain… I’d carry on actual conversations. It’s rare that I just get to have a conversation with anyone. The only people to talk to are the ones at work, and that’s always … about work. I think it would be pretty nice to have someone to watch a movie with, and then talk about what was good or bad about the movie. It really looks like I’m never going to get that chance.

Last class period (the middle one of the day) I suddenly got really dizzy, and the room literally started to spin. 25 minutes later, the room is still spinning. I’m not sure if it’s a case of vertigo-type stuff, or if I’m on the verge of passing out, but it’s pretty unsettling, considering the dream that I had last night. I wonder if all the oxygen I was deprived of is starting to show a result this afternoon.

No Support Where It's Supposed to Be

What can you possibly do to make admistrators and parents see that you're a good teacher when:

• you give ridiculously small amounts of homework and complaints are made that it is too much?
• administrators won't take care of serious discipline problems when you finally have to send a student to the office after all classroom interventions fail?
• administrators allow students to abuse you, the teacher, but if a student offends them in the slightest way, the students is immediately suspended?
• the teacher next door gives As for bags of candy brought in, despite all staff being told that it must not be done, and is subsequently named teacher of the year while you are reprimanded for doing your job to the letter while trying to be lenient with students who simply will not do a bit of their assignments?

You start to realize that after nearly 15 years of teaching, it's time to quit. It's nearly 3:30 am on a Wednesday, so I will try to sleep now that I have this set up. I'll be adding more, I just need to get some rest that lately has been evading me every night until the wee hours of the morning. This is not an atypical time for me to finally get to sleep as of late.

I hope that I wake up early enough to put the gel eye pack on and hopefully remove some of the swelling in my eyes, because I've been trying to release my stress in the only way I'm allowed, and it always shows the next day. I guess I should be relieved that nobody ever notices the next day how swollen my eyes are. I don't think they'd really want an honest answer about it, because it tends to make people a little uncomfortable if you honestly tell them you're thinking about suicide again.