They're gonna hate me forever....

I saw a kid that was in my class (and horrible) 5 years ago, yesterday while I was at the movies with my brother. He remembers me as being mean, go figure. He remembers being sent to the office a lot, but I think he's forgetting that I gave him lots of second chances before I ever did. And possibly, he's attributing all of his office visits throughout middle school to me, when I only sent him a couple of times in the one year I knew him.

My brother says that some day they'll understand why I (acted like a teacher) when they were in my class. *sigh* But in the meantime, they're all telling thousands of people what an absolute bitch I am all the time, and I never get a chance to defend myself for simply doing my job.

Their perception is that they should be in a class where the teacher lets them do whatever they want, and that's a "nice" teacher. They like "nice" teachers. They hate "mean" teachers, and that simply means that I'm trying to teach them and not let them run all over me in the process. They disrupt class, and the other kids can't pick up on what I'm trying to teach them.

I'm really beginning to think that there is far too much of a self-esteem connection existing between me and my job, and that's not helping me any as a person.

I dunno. Maybe if there was actually more to me than someone who goes to work, comes home, and then goes back to work, I'd be a happier person. But work is all there is for me and it is completely unsatisfying.

Well, now that I've gotten it off my chest, maybe I can concentrate on that deadline that I have to meet today. I'm at Java again (not for the most obvious reason - he left right after I got here, almost at a run, ha ha) because home is full of distractions.

I want to go back to bed, Quincy wants me to play tug with him and his squirrel, the freaking Art Institute is calling every hour on the hour, the fact that the house is a complete wreck is distracting me.... I just can't get it together to work at home right now. (and I needed some caffeine) Since I need the computer as a prop while I'm here, I'm more likely to do something productive, right? Right? Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

hours working at Java Cafe

I took my laptop with me today, trying to do a few things all at once:
Overcome my fear of being someplace like that by myself
Get some work done on the calendar kit that's overdue
Get out of the house for some time away from Quincy, who was driving me nuts wanting constant playing "tug" with him.
Maybe be available to say hi to Timm

Well, he did say hi to me when I came in... seemed to kind of be staring at me when I came in. Maybe he was thinking, "Is that...? Oh yeah, it's her again. "

I said hi back, made polite conversation with the girl at the counter, and went to sit by myself in the window. Seemed like the most logical place for me with the laptop.

I'd talked to my sister on the way over, and she said she'd meet me for some coffee a little while later. Well, about an hour and a half later (LOL) she arrived with her younger son, and I bought us all a round of drinks.

All the while, he never said anything further to me, but to be honest, after they got there, he was in and out of the back. I don't know what he did while I was working on my calendars, because I never looked over at him and I really was trying to concentrate on the work I was doing. Yeah, I was a little disappointed that he never made an effort to really talk to me (and I never had a chance to talk to him - so much for making the first move), but I covered it with laughing at my sister's trouble with her new bluetooth headset, and how funny it was that her elder son was on his way there, unknowing about us already being there.

And he sat there with his friends and a jar of pickles he brought, eating the pickles. Eww.... I could smell the pickles all the way across the room.

Made it into a few Christmas pictures this year

I handed the camcorder to one nephew and my camera to the other one and told them to go nuts. LOL I think that T really liked using the camera - he seemed totally into it. :) Even took a few pictures of me too.

However, getting good pictures of the dogs playing didn't happen much. They were flying around too darn fast most of the day.

Quincy must be about to break into one of his barking yipping chasing dreams. He's lying on a couple of stacked pillows beside me, and his back legs are twitching while he does this strange heavy, puffing breathing like he's running and trying to pace himself. His nose is twitching like crazy and his eyes are not quite closed, so I can see them rolling around in REMs. LOL Kinda cute, but also kinda creepy to see his eyes open and know he's sleeping.

things getting kinda...dreamy

I'm watching my new Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix DVD. The one Christmas gift I asked for and got. Nothing else is on TV except for that documentary about the 28 year old "unordained Catholic youth minister" that uses shock tactics on teenagers.

Personally, I get a strong "AntiChrist" vibe about him. He sounds like he's drunk or stoned most of the time and says some really creepy things like "Jesus would kill this little baby right here to show how much he loves you" and has people hit him in the back with folded metal chairs while he's "preaching" to kids.

In short, the guy creeps me out and I don't want to watch anything about him.

I do have to admit that I'm a teeny bit under the influence, albeit legally. I've got a migraine again, and caffeine and Tylenol didn't work, so I took the Max-Alt hoping that it would do the trick. I'm definitely woozy, anyway. LOL My head seems to be easing up.

I do want to say that I think my sister gave me a re-gift she got at work. It was about 5 Avon Skin-so-Soft products. She knows I go absolutely nuts in Bath and Body Works, so why would she go to the trouble of ordering a bunch of Avon stuff for me? Answer: she wouldn't. So I had to put on a phony "Ohhhh thank you!" for some stuff I can't even return for something I like. Oh well, that's how Christmas is.

Hee hee. My brother gave me something I did actually want. We went to Jackson because our sister had specifically requested satin pajamas from Penney's, and they didn't have them here. I found them and got her black satin pjs and a matching robe. (She was unhappy with the XL sizing... but I'd tried them on and I had to have XXL for myself. Wore them last night and they fit just right - who the hell would want tight satin pjs, anyway? Nobody.) It was a good deal on them all - 50% off - so I just about got a set for myself. Then I told my brother, hey, why don't you get me the pajamas for Christmas? I went back to get the robe for myself, and he kinda caved in and decided to get the robe for me too.

I don't think he wanted to spend another $15 for the robe, but it probably would have made him look a little cheap if I spent the whole $30 on our sister, and he just got me half the set. LOL Really, it wouldn't have made a difference to me - I'd have been glad to buy myself the robe. Whatever, you know? It was Christmas, and the whole budgeting thing is not a concern for me anymore.

At least all the cooking I did wasn't a waste of my time. :) That does make me happy. My brother was so thrilled that I made him chess squares that he jumped up in my arms and nearly knocked me down. Mom and the kids really enjoyed the fudge I made (and I sent her home with a plateful of chess squares and fudge too). Everybody liked the Chex mix and the peanut butter cup cookies. The kids also seemed to like the Puppy Chow I made too, though it took a little explaining for them to trust me that it wasn't really dog food, but Chex with peanut butter, chocolate, and powdered sugar. LOL

And everybody loved the boiled custard. :) Lots of smiles on that one, so I guess that the 2 1/2 hours it took to make it were worth it after all. At least now I know that I need to do a water bath, and not a real double boiler, to make it thicken faster. Matt really raved about it - he said it was the first time he'd had it, and he loved it. My dad and brother said it tasted just like Grandmother's. It should - it was her recipe. hahahaha I brought some back home with me, and I've been enjoying it myself.

Painful Boiled Custard....

It took over 2 hours to cook... and that's why my feet hurt. 2 hours of nonstop stirring for fear of scorching. *sigh*

I did follow the recipe exactly, though it was a little vague with the "cook in double boiler" directions. I put one together from my stainless steel stockpot and a new enamelware stockpot that I bought last night.

I was careful to make sure that the water didn't touch the bottom of the second pot, and the custard didn't thicken in 2 hours' time... So I got desperate and added enough water to hit the bottom of the pot.

Yay, it started to thicken really fast after that. Hope I didn't make a mistake by going ahead and putting it into the jugs. I set them out on the steps inside the enamel pot to cool. I'm just worried that one of those darn stray cats that won't leave my yard smell it and try to get in there to the custard.

On the brighter side, it tastes just like I remember Grandmother's tasting. :) I asked her to help me get it right, but I guess she was occupied with other things up there.

Now I just have to wrap all of my Christmas gifts. I have to run over to the school in the morning to pick up one that I left there by mistake.

LOL I emailed T to wish him a merry Christmas.... Wonder if he'll delete this one too. I was in the coffee shop with my brother today, and just like the other day when I was in there with my nephews, he didn't say hello. Today it was pretty noticeable. :(

recovered, I hope

After my last post I fell into a particularly nasty downward spiral. I actually felt like my entire being was rolling around and around in a giant funnel, spinning faster and faster the longer it went on. I never quite pulled out of that, but something just as bad happened to me right after that.

I guess my fatigue is dangerous.

The night of the 18th, I'd gone over to my nephew's girlfriend's house to take pictures of the kids before the big formal dance. Then I went to my Dad's house for a little while, because he was laid up with a broken leg.

By the time I left, my joints had started aching. My brother says that it was because I was sitting in the floor and I just got sore.

Well, by the time I had been home for an hour, chills hit me and I was shivering so much that my teeth were chattering. I couldn't pile enough blankets on the bed and I was miserable when the aches hit.

Then came the fever. For three days. My sister called me to see how I was, and I spoke before I thought... I said, "I could kill for some ginger ale..." She was on her way home after picking up medicines for her sick elder son, but she told me she didn't have any money to buy it with, she was tired after working for 9 hours and the drive. So I told her it was okay, I had diet soda and water in the fridge. I hadn't actually eaten anything since that Saturday, and by this time it was Tuesday. I still wasn't hungry, but to tell the truth, I couldn't stand up long enough to cook for myself, and I didn't have anything easily cookable. A couple of hours later she called me to say she was getting some Theraflu for her son and would generic ginger ale be okay?

(No comment on the "I don't have any money for a 79 cent bottle of ginger ale, but I'm going to head back out to buy Theraflu anyway.")

And then came the headache that not even my strongest medication would stop. (And ice didn't help either.) Instead of being a typical migraine that hurt horribly on one side of my head whenever I leaned over or stood up, this one seemed to be centered dead between the two hemispheres of my brain. No amount of ice could quite get that far into my head. It hurt for three days straight, and I spent about two days of it screaming in my bed because I couldn't even sleep and lying down hurt more than anything else. On day three my brother called and I somehow asked him to come over when he asked if there was anything he could do.

He got here and I was balled up on the couch with my hands trying to squeeze inward on my brain, in total darkness. The only thing I was really thinking about was that this was the worst headache of my life and I was on the verge of asking him to take me to the hospital.

I thought that it could have been the flu (I did have a flu shot and figured it was probably another strain that hit me) or strep, but I never had any sneezing, coughing, sore throat or anything. Just fever, chills, aches, no appetite, that nasty headache, and fatigue. Probably dehydration too, going by how badly my lips peeled and my skin dried out.

I missed work that Monday and Tuesday, and finally had no fever on Wednesday (still had the headache) so I went back to work. But Wednesday night, something really strange happened. While I was getting ready for bed (I had my 6 months' bloodwork scheduled for 7 the next morning) I noticed that my chest was a little red and swollen. After a little more looking, I realized that I was covered from the neck down in a rash that looked like I'd cooked myself in a tanning bed. It was hot, itchy, and swollen. On my arms it looked like it had some kind of vascular pattern to it.

Well, the next morning I got up and it was looking worse, so at the lab I showed it to them and they said that I MUST see my doctor about that. They only saw my forearm... I wonder how badly they'd have freaked if they'd seen how bad it was on my shoulders. I wound up having to leave work that day at 9:30 because 9:45 was the only time my doctor could see me.

He had me undress and the further down he looked, the more dismayed he sounded when he said, "Oh my.. oh MY..." So he had the nurse give me a steroid shot and some pills to help with the itching. By the next day the rash was gone. This was on Thursday.

By Tuesday night of the next week, my left index finger was hurting, and I couldn't figure out why. I thought I'd been trying to pop my knuckle absentmindedly and broken it, going by the swelling in my hand under that finger. And my knees had started to hurt like someone had kicked me in the backs hard enough to strain them. My hips, neck, and shoulders were hurting. Moving sucked in general.

Wednesday morning (the last day of school) I was sure that my finger was horribly broken. (Or that I was a hypochondriac.) I couldn't move it without significant pain, and my wrist had frozen. I couldn't move my fingers and couldn't bend my wrist down. And my right wrist was starting to hurt - every time I moved my fingers, something down in my forearm snapped. By the middle of that day, my right wrist was starting to freeze up. The next morning I couldn't move that wrist or fingers

By the next morning when I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor, I could barely use my hands and I was beginning to get really upset with the situation. He looked me over and sent me back to the lab to have two bottles and several vials of blood. "Make sure they draw lots of extra blood in case something occurs to me later."

It was tested for mono, strep, and a ton of other things, and the only thing that was abnormal was my ever-present anemia. (And now I'm gonna have to take daily iron pills, because apparently my multivitamin with 100% iron isn't working?) He told me that he was having some blood sent off to be tested for lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, but he's sure that this is merely a viral infection that gave me some bizarre side effects.

I still think it might be that strain of mono-like virus that's been going through our school and can't be identified yet. Sam was able to tell me about my weird rash before I told him, and he said that his son's pediatrician had told him it was a virus that was a lot like mono, but wasn't quite the same thing. Makes you feel just as bad and takes some recovery time, but nothing can be done to ease it.

So now I'm attempting to rest enough and recover. But I have all that cooking to do before I go to my sister's house on Christmas Day, and she's demanding that I be there by 10 in the morning because she's "not gonna do all that cooking myself!!!" So... it looks like I'll be doing 75% of the cooking as it turns out, trying to recover from this fatigue.

And then they're springing the blind date baloney on me again. More about that tomorrow.

Completely stressed out

Once again, one of my supervisors called us in and told us that we had to get recent (and bogus) test data analyzed per student, in one week.

I'm supposed to be handling the creation of ornaments for our team Christmas tree. AND teaching??? AND analyzing this pointless pretest???

She must be freaking kidding. I don't really have time for that.

Anyway, I thought I was merely angry at her for this unreasonable demand, but by the time I was talking to our math teacher about it, I was starting to have trouble breathing. Short of breath, talking a little forced, felt like there was a hand around my neck choking me... Yes, my blood pressure has now risen (and apparently stayed there, because my entire body has been shaking for about 36 hours now) and I'm suddenly on the verge of having a panic attack.

I feel like I have to spend this entire weekend at the school grading papers just to catch up. And you know what? I'm so tired right now (after a full night's sleep) that I just want to go back to bed and stay there.

Canon XTi = great onstage play pictures

For the 20 minutes we sat waiting to see my nephew in the school play, I tinkered with the settings on my camera, and took tons of practice shots. I knew better than to use it with that flash going off, so I was trying to find a setting that would take viable shots while the play was going on.

I already knew that even 1 flash burst wouldn't be good for the actors on stage, but my camera does 8 or so mini flashes, so it looks like a strobe light going off. No way was I going to do that to those kids.

So, I managed to turn the beep off, turn off the continuous shooting, and play around with practice shots enough to get decent pictures of the play. And I got some good ones of my nephew too. Wasn't easy, considering his role wasn't that long in the play... he walked in the door, the lights went out, there were gunshots, and when the lights came on, he was lying dead on the stage. LOL

Oh, and the director of the play came out before they started and asked for no flash photography. (The whole family turned and looked at me, annoyingly.) Thumbs up here. I'd shut mine off a while back. All that was left at that point was to get the test shots done.

The only thing indicating I was taking any pictures at all was that little whine that an SLR makes as the shots are taken. I also didn't take very many pictures, because I didn't want to disturb the people around me. I think I did a good job with that. Got no dirty looks from the people around me, anyway. LOL