spiraling down again

He read the two emails I sent him today. And he never responded, so that leaves me with plenty of room for hating myself and assuming the worst, as I always do. The thing is that I've never been surprised with a happy outcome that proved me wrong.

Today while I was working around the house worrying myself while I thought I was waiting on a response, I figured something out about what "settling" really means in my life.

I've been told by so many people that I shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't make me absolutely happy. Then I've been told that I should just find anyone, marry them and have some kids.

I think that the truth is, I'll either have to settle for whoever will have me, not at all considering who would make me happy; or I'll have to settle for no one at all.

As so many people tell me, I've run out of time. I guess I should have found some man off the street and gotten started on my life's misery years ago, instead of waiting until I'm old and ugly, like now.

I don't know why I ever believed the old lie that there's someone for everyone. There never has been anyone for me.