What's hurting him?
If it's true that people who hurt others do it because they've been hurt, what was it that hurt Dad? Did it start with my brother dying, and then progress to their divorce? He's never really said so, but in the few conversations we've had since he and my stepmother split up, I've gotten the impression that he is carrying around a really deep hurt about Mom.
I think he was honestly trying to make her happy, and then she suddenly showed him a side of her he didn't know existed. It seems her desire suddenly became one to have somebody pay for her to have the adult single lifestyle that she felt she'd been denied.
Dad says now that he thinks she only married him so that she could get away from home. Maybe he's right about that, but it's more a reflection on her than on him.
I have to say I recognize some of the attitude he has about her and my stepmother, because they're the same ones I've had myself after yet another failed attempt at a relationship. If I were an outsider, I'd do anything I could to make him feel better. (I've always been the one to champion the underdog and soothe hurt puppies.) As his daughter, I don't know how to make him feel better. He seems to be thinking that he did everything he could to make them happy and it still wasn't enough. Therefore he doesn't deserve to have anyone, because he didn't make the cut the other times. However, it seems to me he doesn't want to admit that they are flawed human beings. (Maybe he still loves them and can't bring himself to truly hate them for how they've hurt him.)
I mean, nobody is perfect, and some people do the most idiotic things to hurt other people in the acquisition of things that they want.
It could be the reason that I catch myself thinking that he hates me, is that I remind him too much of my mother, who really did break his heart. Maybe it's easier to take it out on me as her proxy and still keep her up on that pedestal.
Ah, well, he's dating a very nice lady now, and has been for a few years. He says he'll never marry her because he doesn't ever want to be married again, though.
I think he was honestly trying to make her happy, and then she suddenly showed him a side of her he didn't know existed. It seems her desire suddenly became one to have somebody pay for her to have the adult single lifestyle that she felt she'd been denied.
Dad says now that he thinks she only married him so that she could get away from home. Maybe he's right about that, but it's more a reflection on her than on him.
I have to say I recognize some of the attitude he has about her and my stepmother, because they're the same ones I've had myself after yet another failed attempt at a relationship. If I were an outsider, I'd do anything I could to make him feel better. (I've always been the one to champion the underdog and soothe hurt puppies.) As his daughter, I don't know how to make him feel better. He seems to be thinking that he did everything he could to make them happy and it still wasn't enough. Therefore he doesn't deserve to have anyone, because he didn't make the cut the other times. However, it seems to me he doesn't want to admit that they are flawed human beings. (Maybe he still loves them and can't bring himself to truly hate them for how they've hurt him.)
I mean, nobody is perfect, and some people do the most idiotic things to hurt other people in the acquisition of things that they want.
It could be the reason that I catch myself thinking that he hates me, is that I remind him too much of my mother, who really did break his heart. Maybe it's easier to take it out on me as her proxy and still keep her up on that pedestal.
Ah, well, he's dating a very nice lady now, and has been for a few years. He says he'll never marry her because he doesn't ever want to be married again, though.
posted by Me at 2:40 AM
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