Keep-Your-Distance Emailing
I recently started emailing someone whose book I'd just finished reading. Not anyone famous, just local. He actually seems like he'd be interesting to talk to, and he's only about a year older than me, so we couldn't be too out of touch, socially speaking.
Maybe I scared the poor guy by not just sending him a gushy "I loved your book!!" type fanletter thing, but that's really not my intent anyway. I did enjoy it and it made me feel better about some things, but then again, I've been having a sort of argument with God the last few years anyway. The kind where I think one thing, and he pats me on the head (with progressively harder pats, LOL) for such silly thoughts, though the pats have turned more into smacks to shut me up. LOL Sure He listens. It's just that I can't see myself as anything but an annoyance to Him.
I don't know - I hope he doesn't think I'm stalking him or something. That would be just too creepy. But, it wouldn't be the first time I just wanted to be friends and some guy assumed that I just had to have him. Not that it would be a bad thing to honestly believe someone was interested in you. I've wished for that myself....
But I've been fooled on that before, and I realize I'm better off assuming that absolutely nobody is going to be interested in me ever again. Oh yeah, sure, I wish it was possible, but I'm halfway through my 30s and I seriously doubt that there is a half-decent guy destined to show up in my life and be nice to me. It's time to be practical - when even your boss calls you a spinster - how can the rest of the world think being alone is good? I don't even believe that.
So anyway, back to the book man. He does seem really interesting, but I don't think he thought I was interesting enough to merit return emails. It actually wasn't the first time I'd emailed him. LOL I'm not going to go into the match.com disaster - all I was doing was saying thank you for speaking to my class, and he didn't reply. Once again I became aware that I don't look enough like a Barbie doll for the average male. But being 5' 5" is a fact of biology that I just can't do anything about. I really don't think they're ever going to cut people's legs and set them 2 inches farther apart...Would 2 inches more of height be enough to make me less me and more someone else that's attractive?
He still seems like a nice guy. I'm probably just being overly sensitive because that's yet another person who doesn't want to know me. I just wanted to be friends.
I always believed that by this point in my life, I'd have even more friends than I use to. But the friends I had don't keep in touch, and my world is slowly collapsing in on me. It reminds me of when I was a kid and would stick my arm out of the car window to wave in the wind. Inevitably, one of my parents would tell me to pull it back in before I got it knocked plum off by somebody's mailbox or a street sign. I can't enjoy the wind anymore and I can't reach out anymore for fear of something out there ready to amputate a limb without warning.
I do feel fortunate that for the past 2 days, we've been out for snow. This morning when I woke up and checked the WASL website for the closings, I remember groggily saying thank you when I saw that we were out again, and then I went back to sleep.
It used to be that when I had a snow day from work, it was like a huge gift, and I could play around in my house or apartment doing whatever I wanted all day long. This time it seemed more like an act of mercy. I haven't been of bed much at all since i left work Wednesday morning, and now it's Friday night. Not that I've had anything to do on a Friday night in about 2 years now, since I don't date anymore. There really aren't any single men in my decade left in West Tennessee. They're all well over 40, and don't want children, which I do. Oh well, too bad, and too late. (Though I was searching all these years for the right someone.)
Maybe I scared the poor guy by not just sending him a gushy "I loved your book!!" type fanletter thing, but that's really not my intent anyway. I did enjoy it and it made me feel better about some things, but then again, I've been having a sort of argument with God the last few years anyway. The kind where I think one thing, and he pats me on the head (with progressively harder pats, LOL) for such silly thoughts, though the pats have turned more into smacks to shut me up. LOL Sure He listens. It's just that I can't see myself as anything but an annoyance to Him.
I don't know - I hope he doesn't think I'm stalking him or something. That would be just too creepy. But, it wouldn't be the first time I just wanted to be friends and some guy assumed that I just had to have him. Not that it would be a bad thing to honestly believe someone was interested in you. I've wished for that myself....
But I've been fooled on that before, and I realize I'm better off assuming that absolutely nobody is going to be interested in me ever again. Oh yeah, sure, I wish it was possible, but I'm halfway through my 30s and I seriously doubt that there is a half-decent guy destined to show up in my life and be nice to me. It's time to be practical - when even your boss calls you a spinster - how can the rest of the world think being alone is good? I don't even believe that.
So anyway, back to the book man. He does seem really interesting, but I don't think he thought I was interesting enough to merit return emails. It actually wasn't the first time I'd emailed him. LOL I'm not going to go into the match.com disaster - all I was doing was saying thank you for speaking to my class, and he didn't reply. Once again I became aware that I don't look enough like a Barbie doll for the average male. But being 5' 5" is a fact of biology that I just can't do anything about. I really don't think they're ever going to cut people's legs and set them 2 inches farther apart...Would 2 inches more of height be enough to make me less me and more someone else that's attractive?
He still seems like a nice guy. I'm probably just being overly sensitive because that's yet another person who doesn't want to know me. I just wanted to be friends.
I always believed that by this point in my life, I'd have even more friends than I use to. But the friends I had don't keep in touch, and my world is slowly collapsing in on me. It reminds me of when I was a kid and would stick my arm out of the car window to wave in the wind. Inevitably, one of my parents would tell me to pull it back in before I got it knocked plum off by somebody's mailbox or a street sign. I can't enjoy the wind anymore and I can't reach out anymore for fear of something out there ready to amputate a limb without warning.
I do feel fortunate that for the past 2 days, we've been out for snow. This morning when I woke up and checked the WASL website for the closings, I remember groggily saying thank you when I saw that we were out again, and then I went back to sleep.
It used to be that when I had a snow day from work, it was like a huge gift, and I could play around in my house or apartment doing whatever I wanted all day long. This time it seemed more like an act of mercy. I haven't been of bed much at all since i left work Wednesday morning, and now it's Friday night. Not that I've had anything to do on a Friday night in about 2 years now, since I don't date anymore. There really aren't any single men in my decade left in West Tennessee. They're all well over 40, and don't want children, which I do. Oh well, too bad, and too late. (Though I was searching all these years for the right someone.)
posted by Me at 9:41 PM
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