I'm a nutcase
Either that, or something's really wrong with me, and it isn't just a case of chronic depression like my doctor and I have always thought.
What I mean is, I don't remember actually writing that last blog entry, and yet the words sound really familiar to me. I don't do drugs, and I certainly hadn't had any alcohol, so I guess whatever my problem really is, is making me forgetful of certain things. I remember having that semi-meltdown on the other entry, but just not that very last one.
After reading the Writing Assessment survey questions to my students, I've spent the rest of the day second-guessing myself and close to panicking because I think I'm a bad teacher. They honestly made me feel that I'm doing something very wrong in not having my students work in groups for peer editing every day, and I'm not having them write long-term assignments that requires the class to be on the computers every day. Someday I'll look back and see the ridiculousness of these worries, but for now, I'm becoming quite upset by this. (I can tell it's for real, because I'm starting to get dizzy.)
I do think that it might help me if I go on and define what I would like to be in the future.
For one thing, I want to break away from this hoarding problem I have. Granted, it's not as bad as some, but having to walk around stuff and seeing lots of unnecessary stuff around makes me want to get control of that. Fast. I'm working on it, though. I've started challenging myself to throw out a full garbage bag full of stuff I see around the house, every time I get the urge to clean.
Another issue is the laundry. I feel like I don't have any clothes at all because the (admittedly few) ones are all dirty, and I've been washing them an outfit at a time as I need them. But being unable to look into my fairly well re-organized closet and actually find clothes there (as opposed to being unable to find anything because of the junk that used to be in there) is bothering me.
I've started designing again, though not quite in the manic state I used to, working till 2 in the morning even on school nights. I've been playing a little during weeknights and working a lot more on the weekends. So what do I want from that?
Well, I really want to take some art classes, so that I can draw things for my kits like the other people do. Want a digital soda bottle? I'll just draw it and there it will be. But I can't draw a soda bottle right now. I know that there are no colleges offering me any way to get a degree in fine arts because you basically have to be unemployed. Forget switching careers unless you want to be uninsured, homeless, and eating ramen noodles again. I really can't go there having nobody to back me up financially. I'm basically screwed there.
Failing that, I'd settle for being successful with my designing. What does that mean? I'd like to have a lot of sales, and make lots of extra money each month. I think the best month I ever had, I made a little over $200. I wouldn't mind doing that again, and surpassing it. I'm going to try hiring someone else to do my advertising for me, and see if that doesn't boost my sales. It's the part I hate the most - marketing my creations. I never feel that they're good enough, and I can't psych myself into believing anything I have made is wonderful unless I'm getting some great reviews and selling a lot of those things.
Basically, what I need is for someone to stroke my ego and show me the money. LOL (But it's true.) Who goes through the trouble of creating something and is then content that nobody seemed to have liked it and it never brought in enough money to cover the hourly wage of creating it? Not me. Nobody I know, either. Even when I created and posted free stuff before I started selling, I was desperate for the approval of others.
Another thing I would like is to see my work published somewhere. :) I know, I have to create layouts and submit them to magazines for that to happen. Which means that to be successful in that arena, I'm going to have to be absolutely prolific. I guess I have the time in the evenings and on the weekends. What else is an old maid going to do with her time?
Of course, the old maid has an awesome new camera, and no children of her own to capture in meaningful photos for layouts. I can't publish pictures of my students without parental permission and that would be far too much trouble. I take pictures of my nephews, when I see them, which isn't very often. I'm never with them enough to get any decent slice-of-life pictures, however. My photo ops are extremely limited at best.
Not only do I want to be published, I really want to be well known in the scrapbooking world. Why is that important? I'm not sure. Maybe I want there to be people who look up to me and admire me for something. It sounds pretty egotistical for me to put it that way, but is it, considering that nobody actually does?
Hey, I always wanted to be famous. I just thought when I was a teenager that I could actually be good at acting. I never actually got a chance to participate in anything that would lead me in that direction correctly, so I just had to accept the fact that I'm a lousy actor and the only reason I could hang around the real talented people was if I did the grunt-work on the sets. *sigh* That's the way it goes. Now I have no interest in being in the limelight. I'd rather just cringe into the shadows where I seem to belong.
This is funny... I just got an email from Memory Makers Magazine about the new issue and it seems they have tailored some stuff juuuuust for me. The anti-Valentine section : "Single & Lovin' It! Flying solo through life opens the door on fresh subjects for layouts. Your stories matter—scrap 'em! "
Hahahaha Actually, I have the urge to run to WalMart right now and buy that. I really do. But my hands are coated in cheddar popcorn I'm trying to finish.
To that end of being a prolific designer, I subscribed to an online training ezine for Photoshop Elements (and NO, I'm not spending the $600 on the full version of Photoshop unless I have the sales to justify it) and bought every single one of their very expensive back issues. It's actually the first training I've found that's helpful to someone in my situation.
I only recently realized that I could be using design templates to create those hated kit previews... I always struggle for hours making mine just right, and I know how to breeze through a lot more quickly thanks to what I've learned in the ezine since just mid-December. I have been busy creating template sketches so that I have somewhere to start from when I'm working on quick pages, and I won't have to begin from scratch and an empty creative pallette. Why didn't I think of it before? Well, I don't know. I haven't really done a lot in the last couple of years, but I'm motivated again.
I allowed myself to buy some paper collections that I enjoy looking at. I like examining them and mentally hacking the techniques they used so that I can make something as awesome looking. After all, they have their designs published and sold on actual paper, and I like the multi-layered look anyway. I'm not copying anyone's work, though I am mimicking their techniques as I perceive them. Usually what I end up with is quite different from my inspiration piece, but wouldn't you know, it's quite lovely in its own regard. I've just been a novice, guessing my way through, and now I'm ready to actually KNOW what I'm doing and know how to get where I want to be.
I guess I want to be a designing success so that if I get too tired of teaching, I have something I can go to. Honestly, I'd like to be known as a great teacher too, but I don't see how that's going to happen. I feel that my ability to do my job is steadily worsening every year. Is that because of all my emotional issues? Would I feel stronger at work and not constantly tired if I had a satisfying, stable life to come home to each day?
What I mean is, I don't remember actually writing that last blog entry, and yet the words sound really familiar to me. I don't do drugs, and I certainly hadn't had any alcohol, so I guess whatever my problem really is, is making me forgetful of certain things. I remember having that semi-meltdown on the other entry, but just not that very last one.
After reading the Writing Assessment survey questions to my students, I've spent the rest of the day second-guessing myself and close to panicking because I think I'm a bad teacher. They honestly made me feel that I'm doing something very wrong in not having my students work in groups for peer editing every day, and I'm not having them write long-term assignments that requires the class to be on the computers every day. Someday I'll look back and see the ridiculousness of these worries, but for now, I'm becoming quite upset by this. (I can tell it's for real, because I'm starting to get dizzy.)
I do think that it might help me if I go on and define what I would like to be in the future.
For one thing, I want to break away from this hoarding problem I have. Granted, it's not as bad as some, but having to walk around stuff and seeing lots of unnecessary stuff around makes me want to get control of that. Fast. I'm working on it, though. I've started challenging myself to throw out a full garbage bag full of stuff I see around the house, every time I get the urge to clean.
Another issue is the laundry. I feel like I don't have any clothes at all because the (admittedly few) ones are all dirty, and I've been washing them an outfit at a time as I need them. But being unable to look into my fairly well re-organized closet and actually find clothes there (as opposed to being unable to find anything because of the junk that used to be in there) is bothering me.
I've started designing again, though not quite in the manic state I used to, working till 2 in the morning even on school nights. I've been playing a little during weeknights and working a lot more on the weekends. So what do I want from that?
Well, I really want to take some art classes, so that I can draw things for my kits like the other people do. Want a digital soda bottle? I'll just draw it and there it will be. But I can't draw a soda bottle right now. I know that there are no colleges offering me any way to get a degree in fine arts because you basically have to be unemployed. Forget switching careers unless you want to be uninsured, homeless, and eating ramen noodles again. I really can't go there having nobody to back me up financially. I'm basically screwed there.
Failing that, I'd settle for being successful with my designing. What does that mean? I'd like to have a lot of sales, and make lots of extra money each month. I think the best month I ever had, I made a little over $200. I wouldn't mind doing that again, and surpassing it. I'm going to try hiring someone else to do my advertising for me, and see if that doesn't boost my sales. It's the part I hate the most - marketing my creations. I never feel that they're good enough, and I can't psych myself into believing anything I have made is wonderful unless I'm getting some great reviews and selling a lot of those things.
Basically, what I need is for someone to stroke my ego and show me the money. LOL (But it's true.) Who goes through the trouble of creating something and is then content that nobody seemed to have liked it and it never brought in enough money to cover the hourly wage of creating it? Not me. Nobody I know, either. Even when I created and posted free stuff before I started selling, I was desperate for the approval of others.
Another thing I would like is to see my work published somewhere. :) I know, I have to create layouts and submit them to magazines for that to happen. Which means that to be successful in that arena, I'm going to have to be absolutely prolific. I guess I have the time in the evenings and on the weekends. What else is an old maid going to do with her time?
Of course, the old maid has an awesome new camera, and no children of her own to capture in meaningful photos for layouts. I can't publish pictures of my students without parental permission and that would be far too much trouble. I take pictures of my nephews, when I see them, which isn't very often. I'm never with them enough to get any decent slice-of-life pictures, however. My photo ops are extremely limited at best.
Not only do I want to be published, I really want to be well known in the scrapbooking world. Why is that important? I'm not sure. Maybe I want there to be people who look up to me and admire me for something. It sounds pretty egotistical for me to put it that way, but is it, considering that nobody actually does?
Hey, I always wanted to be famous. I just thought when I was a teenager that I could actually be good at acting. I never actually got a chance to participate in anything that would lead me in that direction correctly, so I just had to accept the fact that I'm a lousy actor and the only reason I could hang around the real talented people was if I did the grunt-work on the sets. *sigh* That's the way it goes. Now I have no interest in being in the limelight. I'd rather just cringe into the shadows where I seem to belong.
This is funny... I just got an email from Memory Makers Magazine about the new issue and it seems they have tailored some stuff juuuuust for me. The anti-Valentine section : "Single & Lovin' It! Flying solo through life opens the door on fresh subjects for layouts. Your stories matter—scrap 'em! "
Hahahaha Actually, I have the urge to run to WalMart right now and buy that. I really do. But my hands are coated in cheddar popcorn I'm trying to finish.
To that end of being a prolific designer, I subscribed to an online training ezine for Photoshop Elements (and NO, I'm not spending the $600 on the full version of Photoshop unless I have the sales to justify it) and bought every single one of their very expensive back issues. It's actually the first training I've found that's helpful to someone in my situation.
I only recently realized that I could be using design templates to create those hated kit previews... I always struggle for hours making mine just right, and I know how to breeze through a lot more quickly thanks to what I've learned in the ezine since just mid-December. I have been busy creating template sketches so that I have somewhere to start from when I'm working on quick pages, and I won't have to begin from scratch and an empty creative pallette. Why didn't I think of it before? Well, I don't know. I haven't really done a lot in the last couple of years, but I'm motivated again.
I allowed myself to buy some paper collections that I enjoy looking at. I like examining them and mentally hacking the techniques they used so that I can make something as awesome looking. After all, they have their designs published and sold on actual paper, and I like the multi-layered look anyway. I'm not copying anyone's work, though I am mimicking their techniques as I perceive them. Usually what I end up with is quite different from my inspiration piece, but wouldn't you know, it's quite lovely in its own regard. I've just been a novice, guessing my way through, and now I'm ready to actually KNOW what I'm doing and know how to get where I want to be.
I guess I want to be a designing success so that if I get too tired of teaching, I have something I can go to. Honestly, I'd like to be known as a great teacher too, but I don't see how that's going to happen. I feel that my ability to do my job is steadily worsening every year. Is that because of all my emotional issues? Would I feel stronger at work and not constantly tired if I had a satisfying, stable life to come home to each day?
posted by Me at 4:41 PM
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