Going further down

All evening I've been asking -- is it too much for me to just want someone in my life who will be good to me?

Instead of that, I get absolutely no one; good or bad is irrelevant.

I have a hard time believing that this is all the luck of the draw and that I just perpetually miss out on basic things that other people have. It's not like I want a big fancy house. I just want someone to be with me. I don't want to die alone, but I'm pretty sure it's going to all end that way despite everything I do and have ever done to make my life any better.

I've already decided that I'm not going to spend another 40 years alone and wishing I wasn't. I will work up the courage to end it, and stop wasting everyone else's time.

My birthday's coming up in a couple of weeks, but I'm not going to remind anyone. I just want to forget about it. At best, it's a two-fisted punch that I just don't want to think about anymore. Why would anybody want to celebrate the birthday of anyone they don't care anything about, anyway? I don't feel like I'm here anymore, so I can't see how anybody else would notice me either.