:(

All afternoon I've had this one thought running round through my head. Is it so much for me to want to be loved?

I've thought before, if I were given the choice between love and being absolutely poor, I'd definitely choose love. But it seems to me that I don't get to choose. There's no love, and I couldn't exactly call myself comfortable. I'm able to pay my bills.

There's just nothing happy that I can submerge myself in that will take my mind off the loneliness I feel day in and day out. Just something that will make me forget about the outside world, and be my own little world that I can go into and maybe never leave.

If I can just find something I'm good at. Something that I can focus my attention on for the rest of my life. It would be nice if I could think of something that would make me some money, though. I figure that if I can't even have love and be poor, maybe I can find a way to make lots of money and be lonely. Surely I can do that, since it is dependent upon my efforts, and finding someone to love me really has nothing to do with anything I might try.

I figure that if God really wants there to be someone in my life, he'll show up someday. I know that even if it does happen, I probably will be too old to have the babies I so desperately wanted. Someday, some thoughtless person will say that I shouldn't have waited so long to start trying, and I'm going to hurt them for saying it.

I've been trying since I was a kid... the journey's been long, but there's never been a beautiful destination awaiting me at the end of the road. I only wish I knew what I had ever done to make my entire life so empty and miserable. Surely I can't have offended God the moment I took my first breath?